i’m depressed. i don’t know what my problem is, sometimes i feel like maybe i’m clinically depressed, sometimes i feel like i’m losing it or heading toward a breakdown or something, but most of the time i don’t feel THAT bad, just bored and uninterested in things like movies (UNTIL THEY MAKE RIDDICK 3) and comics, and i still like things and the same things i’ve always liked but i’m not jumping for joy about anything and new stuff seems boring and samey. i’m also not really interested in my own work, i can’t focus on the comics i’m trying to draw. and i do want to tell the stories i’m working on, on a conceptual level i want to do it and i like the stories and characters, but when it comes to physically making myself do it, i feel like doing anything else but drawing comics (or drawing period). i end up doing something else and procrastinating and not getting any work done, i can’t get into any sort of groove. i feel burned out and trapped. sometimes i wish i could take a break from drawing and just write, whether it’s comic scripts or prose stories, that’s the stuff i like doing the best. or take a break for a couple months and try something completely different like metal sculpture or music. i also feel stupid because so many people would love to have my job, full-time freelancer, i make my own hours, etc. and it’s not like i’m grateful i’ve gotten to do this, i am, but all i seem to do (at least publicly) is gloom about drawing comics for a living. but this is the reality, i guess.
i think i’ve mentioned here before that i’ve considered leaving comics (at least professionally) a few times over the past year or so, so that’s nothing new, i guess, but this is the worst it’s ever been. terrible timing, too, just when i got this big secret comics gig and when Wet Moon 6 is so long overdue.
there’s also bad stuff going on with my sick cousin, i think i’ve mentioned her before, and it doesn’t look good, i feel “stuck” in some kind of emotional well over that. like the feeling i get the night before a big trip i don’t want to go on, nervous and uneasy and unable to focus on anything or get anything substantial done, except prolonged. i feel like when my cat died at the end of 2010 it sent me off on this other path and i can’t get back and everything seems wrong.
maybe it’s also that i never got to properly go through my post-book-crash that i always feel when i finish a book, i always need time to just sit around and decompress or recover mentally or something, but this time after finishing Shadoweyes In Love i didn’t get that. i didn’t get any time for the crash, i went right into Wet Moon 6 and now this new gig. especially after doing Shadoweyes 1 and 2 so close back-to-back. maybe it’s like my natural rhythm or whatever is trying to do this crash period but i’m fighting it by trying to keep drawing comics. i don’t know, i’m sure i’ll be fine, i have so many funks like this, what else is new. gotta power through it. i wish i could go live in a mountainside or beachside cabin in the middle of the woods for two weeks and not do anything, but i got a schedule to keep and i don’t have a cabin.
i always tell people that the #1 rule in comics is THERE’S NO CRYING IN COMICS but i think i’m the one who breaks that rule more than anybody. XD
here are some things i AM into, though, so it’s not all doom and gloom here.
Bella Morte’s new album came out a couple weeks ago and it’s awesome. i tried writing a review on Amazon but they wouldn’t post it and they don’t tell you why it won’t get posted, like is it too long or not “on topic” enough or something? anyway i tried like 6 times and nothing each time, and i tried AGAIN last night and it finally went up. the review is the new stuff i wrote last night, except the date is June 15, when i tried writing my first one! so dumb. anyway the album is great.
i am so into this site animalsbeingdicks.com, so funny. some of the gifs are better than others, some are just okay, but they’re all worth a look. my favorite one is condescending llama, i laughed so hard i was crying, and every time i go back and look at it again i laugh. my other favorite one is and stay down. such an asshole.